Jessica Alba

Performed by adam sandler and conan o' brien :


"and now a buffoon's meeting with the dean of admissions at a prestigious college."

Dean: "well michael, i would like to extend my warmest congradulations on your upcoming graduation and i understand you are interested in matriculating here in the fall."

Buffoon: "i got a snake, man!"

Dean: "yes, pets are welcome here on campus. be it the traditional dog, or cat, or even the occasional reptile."

Buffoon: "one time i fed it some beer man! it was slithering this way and that! it was all fucked up!"

Dean: "i'm sure it was. well we discourage inappropriate drinking among both students and pets here on campus."

Buffoon: "fuckin' shit!"

Dean: "yes, that's a not uncommon reaction to this policy. so tell me a little bit more about your background."

Buffoon: "my father's a fucking asshole, man!"

Dean: "hmm, i see. your feelings of rebelion are not unusual at your age son."

Buffoon: "my mother's a piece of shit too!"

Dean: "well, i hope you can find an outlet for your hostility over the summer so you can come to school in the fall relaxed and ready to learn."

Buffoon: "my teacher in high school was a stupid bitch, man! she had her head way up her ass!"

Dean: "well the quality of the faculty at a university such as ours far exceeds that of a local public high school."

Buffoon: "your secretary's a real fat bitch, man!"

Dean: "yes, she's tried many diets over the years with minimal success."

Buffoon: "i had diarhea last month. i had to shit all fucking day!"

Dean: "uh huh, well we all get the occasional stomach bug, never a pleasurable experience. so have you given any thought to your choice of major?"

Buffoon: "i've got a big fucking boner right now."

Dean: "i see. well sexual arrousal is not uncommon during periods of nervous tension. i do not take offense."

Buffoon: "one time i ate my neighbors shit!"

Dean: "that's understandable. well, i enjoyed meeting you. we'll be sending you our decision by the end of the month."

Buffoon: "i bet you got really hairy balls."

Dean: "yes, it's a veritable forest down there. bye bye."